you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
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YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
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What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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