i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
