he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
