So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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