I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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