After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
