So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
