I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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