I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
