His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
