Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
