I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
