How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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