my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You took a bar mat shot.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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