She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You made out with two different species that night
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
