dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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