I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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