Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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