I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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