my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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