this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
