My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
