If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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