i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
