her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
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