He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
