My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
