I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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