yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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