Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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