i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
