I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
