Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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