I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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