I hope mine doesn't look like that
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
