I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
