We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
