Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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