I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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