now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
