Im at strip club and am horny
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Randomize
