Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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