I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
