I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
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Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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