I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
