Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
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Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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