I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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