and you said cock pushups were impossible
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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