Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
