You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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