Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
