I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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