Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
