I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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