i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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