I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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