Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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