1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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